I'm ashamed of my life and who I am
Ok so here it goes. I'm 15, I play a musical instrument, am manager of charity, a published author and perform in singing contests. I have great friends and an awesome boyfriend. So I should be really happy right?
WRONG! I have panic disorder, mild OCD, depression, anxiety, severe trust problems, family problems, anger management issues, arthritis, and that's all I can come up with right now, but I'll come up with more as I go I guess.
I'm not sure where to start so I'll just throw in some random facts and secrets. My dad is a dickhead full stop. I'm trying to move in with my mum. (Yeah my parents are divorced too.) I almost lost my virginity when I was 12. In primary school I spent more time in the principal's office for getting into punch ups and fights than I did in class.
My eating disorder isn't about body image, it's stress. It makes my body reject anything I eat depending on what kind of mood I'm in. I keep throwing it back up but not in purpose. My doctor's still running tests to find out exactly what it is.
Because of some issues from primary school, I'm not exactly the nicest person to be around, but I try to change so I can be a nice, carefree, happy person, so I don't cause problems anymore. For example, today I made my friend dump her boyfriend, who is my ex, who is my boyfriend's current enemy. After I saw how depressed this ex of mine was I laughed. How slack.
Oh yeah my first kiss was a miserable one too. This guy I've known all my life was saying goodbye to me and then in front of both of our parents he kissed me. On the lips. I was in shock for an hour.
Also, I used to let my cat scratch up my arms because the pain would let the depression out a bit. I don't anymore luckily. Also, I have to take medicine to calm down my moods.
I don't really have a conclusion for this since it's ongoing and there is soooo much more but that's all I can think of right now.
Comments / Feedback
WOW... first of all, start out with small things if you want to change your life. Thinking more positively is good way to start. (But I'm gonna let in a few secrets of my life as well.) Change the way you think completely RIGHT NOW. I am not saying that "you are the problem, you should be able to handle this stuff, blah blah blah..." No, it doesn't work that way. I mean, your parents' divorce wasn't your fault, it was THEIR decision, so you shouldn't any guilt or anger towards yourself. Although, since you said your dad is a dickhead, it is not your problem AT ALL. It is his, and he will lose a daughter's and other people's respect if he stays that way. It is his loss. Not yours.
A lot of this stuff can be simply cured if you think differently, such as you making your friend dump her boyfriend (who was your ex). You should consider other people's feelings, such as your friend for starters. Would her feelings be affected if she broke up with him...? most likely yes because she was hanging out with him cause she liked him. You should consider other people's feelings before stepping in to make an act or make another person do a certain thing, that is meant to satisfy your pleasure. (Although, if he is an asshole and you thought he isn't worth of anyone's time, then go for it.)
Ignorance is bliss. Gotta remember that. I often don't let things to get to me at all, because it causes a person to care and worry, which is sickening to have. If you try harder to not care so much then there is less stuff to worry about. (Plus it's also why people think I'm quiet, but in truth I'm just mellowed and don't really care about anything.)
This may be a selfish thing to say but if a problem doesn't concern me, then why worry over it and get my hopes up and such? Complete waste of energy and time for me. As for trust problems, just don't expect much out of people. There are A LOT of idiots in this world. Believe me... I only have a few friends that are truly worthwhile to keep. But since you have problems revolving around you, its kinda normal for a person to want a trusting friend to talk things over, even if it's just to rant things out. Choose friends very wisely.
You also have medical problems such as arthritis that are highly impossible to avoid the pain, which can also lead a perfectly healthy person to go insane and crabby (and I am that person. Don't have arthritis but when I'm in pain, I can get pissed off cause its VERY annoying and painful to have!!) And I can relate to your eating problem . Whenever I was nervous (a shy child back then) I would always get stomach aches and nausea that I had to be incredibly careful of what I ate. Even a taste or smell of something can throw me off. But I learned to grow out of it by this... I learned to NOT CARE. The reason my stomach would stress is because I worried a lot, most often because of what other people think. But then again, you may have a serious medical problem that is prolly not affected of how you feel or think. So don't be guaranteed on this.
Panic disorder, mild OCD, depression, and anxiety are serious problems to have because they are things that most people would think you "can control" but to be honest, we WISH we could otherwise we wouldn't have the problem in the first place! I do get depressed and have anxiety problems but I honestly believed I could control them by changing how I think of everything, and that pretty much took care of it. (Mostly cause I was determined to not be prescribed by doctors and need pills to fix me, I knew it was just my way of thinking.) But I honestly don't think you have the same thing I do. :[
Lastly I would like to say that you should try to look forward to the brighter things in life, like singing and spending time with your boyfriend. Those problems of yours are not worth to take over your life.
As for anger management issues... I understand if you get pissed off at someone who is being a complete asshole and such, but please only do it for just purposes. If you blow off your top off all the time, people will avoid you for their own safety. It can be put into good use if you use it at the right times, but most of the time it can hinder people and yourself.
But remember, all of this is for you. To make yourself a happier person. For me, pleasing other people is enough for me to feel happy and fulfilled, but avoiding problems that can affect your life also helps too. So, I hope this stuff helps. If not then ignore this, because I try to say what I can through what little you wrote.