I can't keep this up
So ummm I only just found this place and to be honest I really just need to spill and I feel like this is as good a place as any to do that. I am not trying to say that my problems are some big deal because after reading some of the other stuff on here I realised just how small they are.
I don't know what I have, to be honest. I definitely have a social anxiety, that's for sure, but there's all this other crap that I can't define. My weirdest symptom? I have a boyfriend named who is my entire world, no joke, but the problem is that he is in my head entirely. He doesn't exist and I know that he doesn't so I can't say I am complete schizophrenic. It's weird though...my first kiss was with my imaginary friend!!! HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THAT?
God I feel like I am going insane and it scares the shit out of me. Yesterday I heard footsteps behind me and turned to find no one there. It's frightening. I am really just scared at the moment. My stomach is a mess of tight knots and I am just so stressed. I feel like I am trapped and I don't how to get out.
School is literally hell. I spend my entire time trying to smile and look care-free when everything inside me is screaming. I have bottled everything up for so long and know I feel the walls cracking, you know. Sometimes I just huddle up in a corner and scream without making a sound because I can't breathe. My boyfriend is the only one who can talk me out at that point and know I fear he can't do so anymore.
I am so frightened and i don't know why I am writing this but I don't know what to do anymore... no one understands me and I know that's because I push everyone away but ehhhh I am going to stop wallowing in self-pity haha. My god I just feel like a mess.
I bottle things up a lot too. I realised this while I was talking to my friend a while ago (on msn, and it was like 2, 3 years ago). And actually I wasn't really talking, I was mainly listening, and I realised I wanted to try and talk---say something about myself---and found it quite difficult.
Haha, at the moment I still find it difficult opening up. I usually have bad timing too, when I do open up. But I don't think you should give up trying. And besides if it's too hard talking to someone, you could type it up on word or here as well (or do it the old-fashioned way and write in a journal ;)) Typing's faster for me, so it keeps up with my thoughts better. It'll help with the 'mess' feeling you're having now. It'll help you organise your thoughts a bit too. Hey, everything will be alright :)