Fat people can't have an eating disorder like that. Can they?
I'm not sure what to think anymore. I've always hated myself. Inside and out. Well... not always.
I started feeling worse and worse about myself starting from year 6, when I was 11. It didn't become bad until last year. My first year of high school. I tried to diet, properly. Didn't work. I started to wear only black, as I thought it was slimming. I started to hate anything that showed my upper arms or legs.
Then half way through this year I heard of Pro-Thinspo. Where you look at girls, skinny ones, to encourage you to diet.
Now. I blog about everything I eat, exercise I do, and I have people supporting me. Now. Food is the enemy. I want to see every bone in my body from the outside.
I know I have problems. I know this isn't normal. I do hate food, and wish I would never have to eat again. I wish that people wouldn't look at me as the fat girl.
I do not induce vomiting, though I've tried, plenty of times. I have stopped eating before, but loads of people try that, right? I do count calories and get pissed off when I go over 500-600. A normal day is 300. I have had a negative calories day, but I wish I had more.
I know I have problems, I'm willing to admit that... in silence. But, it hasn't hit me until now. Could I have an eating disorder? Has this happened to me? Am I another statistic? Surely not though. Fat people can't have an eating disorder like that. Can they?
Hello and thanks for writing in.
It sounds like you are really concentrating on how you look at the moment. You said that you don't know what to think anymore. This can be difficult because there are lots of pictures around of what people "should" look like. The trouble with magazines and other media is that pictures are computer enhanced and lots of changes are made to the images, so they're not real anyway. And anyway, what is most important is who we are on the inside and how we choose to live our life, than what we look like.
It may sound obvious, but people need food! Food is the body's fuel, so that our bodies can do stuff. When someone stops eating, their body goes into starvation mode and stores everything in case it doesn't get any more food. This is not good and mucks up the body's functioning. Diets don't work either, and neither does looking at skinny girls (just like looking at tall people doesn't make someone feel or grow taller).
You have raised some questions about whether or not you have an issue with eating. Eating disorders are complicated mental health disorders that affect the body. People who have an eating disorder are very unhappy whatever their weight or size. Talking through your questions with someone in person would be really helpful. It's hard to try and manage these things on your own so getting help is important. I would strongly suggest that you talk to a professional, like a doctor or counsellor, who you feel comfortable with.
Blogging is a great way to express how you are feeling, however if people are encouraging you not to eat then this is not the blog site for you. It would be better if you could blog on a site that support you as you work through your thoughts about food. You could try a site like Reach Out instead.
Another useful website is that of the Eating Disorders Association of Victoria. You may not have an eating disorder but there is some useful information on the site. You could also have a look at the Aceda website below.
Take care, and I hope that you can see a professional who can give you more help and support.
