I recently punched my boyfriend in the face after a huge fight.
Q.I recently punched my boyfriend in the face after a huge fight. I have never acted like this before and could not believe what I had done. What makes me feel worse is that if he had done the same to me it would not have been accepted. He says he doesn't care that I hit him and that he still loves me but I am thinking that if it's happened this time can it happen again. I am usually so laid back. I cannot forgive myself and am shocked that I acted in such a disgusting way. I hate myself and feel he would be much better of without me. I feel like some kind of psycho.
A.Hello: Thank you for your very thoughtful question. This is quite a serious matter and it is a positive step that you are taking responsibility for your behaviour. Anger is an emotion like any other and it is useful in that it usually tells us that something is not right in our world. What we do with our anger is really important. Often anger turns to physical violence when we feel our needs are not being met or we are feeling powerless. This may have to do with the current situation or may be related to what you have observed while growing up.
It is important for you to understand a bit more about your anger and how to manage it in a more appropriate way. Otherwise you may find that the situation will occur again. It is helpful for couples to talk about "time-out" and come to an agreement about what to do when things get really heated. They call "time-out" and each goes to a different part of the house or for a walk or does something else until they feel a bit calmer. This process includes telling the partner when you will return to discuss the topic. Usually, a half hour apart helps you to calm down and think about the topic in a different way.
I would strongly suggest that you see a counsellor about the situation who will help you with some strategies and will also help you with how you are feeling about yourself at the moment. You and your partner might benefit from a session together as well. You and he may want to discuss the importance of giving each other space when things are heated so that you are not feeling helpless, if one wants to resolve the issue and the other person needs more space and time. Good luck.
Last modified: 30th June 2008