Lately I find myself attracted to rough sex. How do I go about telling my partner without freaking him out?
Lately I find myself attracted to rough sex. I'm currently with someone who I trust enough to tell what I want, and I'm happy. But I want more, in terms of fantasy, and I'm worried what he'll think.
I've always been attracted to the darker fantasies of sex like a force fantasy and being tied up. I can't really talk to anyone about it because I'm afraid they'll think I'm strange. I'm worried about how far I might go to fulfil my need for such intense sex, so how do I go about telling my partner what I want without freaking him out? I don't want him to think he'll hurt me or anything.
Hi and good on you for writing in.
There are many different types of sex and people have different preferences. For example, someone who may prefer gentle and slow sex can sometimes feel like fast and rough sex, and visa versa.
It's normal to try different types of sex and a trusted relationship can be a safe place to experiment.
Sexual fantasies that involve rough sex or being tied up can be about the desire to be submissive and give away control. Believe it or not this is a common sexual fantasy because some people get turned on by temporarily giving away their physical power. This type of sex is about giving the other person permission to take control. Be aware that this is very different from situations where someone gets sexually assaulted or raped, where they never gave permission in the first place.
Being able to talk about your fantasies with your boyfriend is important. Ask yourself if you can communicate your desires to your boyfriend. Reassure him about how much you enjoy the sex you are having with him and that you are curious about other ways of doing it. Your boyfriend will also need to feel safe and give permission in order to experiment.
If you boyfriend is open to experimenting with rough sex, before you try it, it's a good idea to work out an agreed "safe word" that either of you can use during the sex. This is a non-sexual word (e.g. balloon, apple, panda, etc.) that can be said by either of you during the rough sex when you want to stop. When either of you says the "safe word", the rough sex needs to stop straight away.
Hope this helps. All the best.
