He and I have our own boyfriends now but I still have the hope that we can be together someday ...
I have very strong feelings for one of my best friends. We're both gay men and we've know each other for about three years now. When I met him it was at a club. (I remember seeing him as a dancer at some other club and I was absolutely infatuated with him.)
We met up at this club once a week for three weeks. We'd chat, dance, and make out with each other. Unfortunately he met this other guy around the same time who shortly thereafter became his boyfriend. I was devastated, mad, and jealous. I didn't speak to him for several months.
When we reconnected I confirmed that this other guy was now in fact his boyfriend. I still had my feelings for him and we had a really good connection. In the midst of his relationship he and I would do all sorts of fun things together: hang out at his apartment, at his family's home, go shopping, to the beach, clubs, etc. We spent a lot of time together and developed a strong friendship. I was there with him even when he and his boyfriend would get in violent fights that left him physically and emotionally hurt. I also was there for his intimate needs at times even though he was with someone at the time. I really feel that I love him. He knows I do. Some of our closest mutual friends have told me that they could see us together, that we should be together, or not understand why we aren't together yet.
I don't know what to do about this. He and I have our own boyfriends now but I still have the hope that we can be together someday, maybe even get married. Am I crazy? Does it seem that he messed my head up? This has affected past relationships for me. What should I do?
Thanks for your question.
It sounds like you have very strong feelings for your friend and want to be in a relationship with him. Although, it sounds like you have had more than friendship with him over the time you've known each other, even when you've had other partners. Did you negotiate this with your partner or were they unaware? Remember that it's really important to practice safer sex in situations such as this to protect yourself and others involved.
You mentioned that your friend knows how you feel about him. I'm guessing that you've shared this with him over time. Does he feel the same way as you? If he doesn't, I would imagine that would be very hurtful and upsetting for you. However, it is something you can't change or control. We can only control ourselves and the way we manage our own emotions. Having a friendship under these circumstances can be very difficult. So if this is the case, you may need to evaluate whether it is more or less painful for you to continue the friendship than to end it.
If he does feel the same way about you, I'm wondering what is preventing each of you from making the choice to be together? However, it sounds that at times you are together in a relationship capacity as well as having other boyfriends. If this suits your friend, he may not feel the need to have an exclusive relationship with just you—he can still have that as well as having another boyfriend. Is this how you have also felt at times? Is this ok for you to keep doing? I'm also wondering how emotionally available you are to your current boyfriend when you love someone else. Are you better off working this stuff out first before getting involved in any relationship?
I hope these questions help you in working out this situation. Take care.