We have to go twice as the first time is lucky to last a minute. I'm worried that something might be wrong.
Recently, every time my boyfriend and I have sex we have to go twice as the first time is lucky to last a minute, but the second time he can last for hours. It has only been the last 5–6 times—every time before that it's been like the second time.
He is worried that it will affect our relationship, which it isn't doing. But I'm worried that something might be wrong.
Hi. Thanks for your question.
It sounds like your boyfriend might be experiencing premature ejaculation. Premature ejaculation is when a guy can't control the timing of his ejaculation. This usually mean he cums quickly. While it's more about not having control than the timing, it usually means cumming under or around a minute from the time the penis enters the vagina. It's the most common sexual problem experienced by guys.
Premature ejaculation can be lifelong, meaning that it has always been there from the very first time a guy has sex. Or it can be acquired, meaning it happens at a later time. If it was not a problem for him before then it would be acquired. This is a good thing because it's easier to deal with. There are things he can do to help get control over ejaculation again. It takes practice and patience but works.
One problem that it's good to be aware of is that anxiety makes it worse. Sometimes premature ejaculation might happen once because a guy is tired or especially turned on. That often makes him feel anxious that it will happen again the next time he has sex. Being anxious can cause the premature ejaculation, so it's a bit of a vicious cycle. Things which help are learning to relax and reduce anxiety, learning "the point of no return" and learning to get less turned on.
To learn to relax he can do any relaxation exercises and also learn to relax while doing things, such as slow his breathing, breathe from his tummy not up in his chest, relax his jaw and let his muscles relax and feel soft and heavy. Also he can learn to just notice anxious thoughts and not get hooked into them. They will keep coming back but if he just notices them, over time they will have less affect on him. He will have to practice these things when you are not having sex for it to help when you do have sex.
To learn to recognise "the point of no return" he will also have to practice. There is a point where ejaculation is inevitable and once a guy reaches that he will ejaculate no matter what. If he practices during masturbation, learning to recognise that point way before he reaches it, it will help a lot. He can then learn to recognise it during sex and learn to control it by stopping for a bit then starting again.
To lower his arousal during sex he needs to learn to think about other things, not the sex he is having. He also needs to not focus too much on the sensations he is feeling or how turned on he is. He needs to keep his eyes open too because closing them increases arousal. Relaxing helps to lower arousal too.
There is a great little book which may help called Too fast? Learn to last longer: A guide to premature ejaculation by Michael Lowy & Brett McCann. It's easy to order over the internet.
It's important to remember that it will take time to change this but if he practices he will. If it continues to be a problem after a few months of practice then it might be helpful for him to see a sexual counsellor. Contact SHine SA for advice about counsellors in your area.
Tell him not to fall for any advertisements that say things like ‘Want longer lasting sex?" These are from companies who are not reputable, and the treatments are very expensive and have no evidence that they work.
How the partner reacts is really important and it sounds like you are doing great so well done. It's so important to be supportive and calm and reassure him that it's fine. As you can imagine, if a partner is angry or frustrated then it just makes it all a lot worse.
It also sounds like you have actually worked out a great solution: having sex again. This is how some people manage it and it works fine for them. Also making sure that you have cum first, through oral or hand stimulation etc., really helps and takes the pressure off. All the best and take care.