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My boyfriend really wants anal sex. I think it's gross. Help?

Q.

My boyfriend really wants anal sex. I love him to pieces but it just freaks me out.

I've said no to him repeatedly but he keeps touching me there and bringing it up. I think he touches me there while we're having normal sex in the hope that I'll just let it go, but I'm starting to lose my trust in him in this area.

I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I don't want to have anal sex. I think it's gross. Help?

A.

Hi there and thanks for getting in contact with us.

From what you have said, it's completely understandable as to why you are feeling the way you are when you say, "I'm starting to lose my trust in him in this area", because your boyfriend is clearly not listening to you.

It sounds like you are being pressured or coerced by him, but he may not actually be aware of this himself, he may just see this as "trying it on" rather than it being anything more. However, you are not comfortable with his behaviour and he is not respecting you by repeatedly touching you there and bringing it up. No one should force you or pressure you into doing sexual stuff that you don't want to do. It's your body, and you have a right to decide if and how you are going to be sexual with someone.

I am wondering why he is so keen to have anal sex. Is this because you guys aren't using any contraception, so he's worried you'll get pregnant so thinks it's safer this way? If so, he needs to be aware that you can still transmit and pick up STIs through anal sex, so he would need to use a condom, regardless.

Maybe you could have a chat with him and see what he says about why he wants to have anal sex with you. It could be curiosity, however, you think it's gross and he needs to understand that this is not about him and how you feel towards him, it's about how you feel about anal sex full stop. It doesn't mean you don't love him enough or fancy him enough, it's just gross and that's how you feel and he should respect that.

Would he like you to shove something up his anus to see what it's like or do sexual stuff to him that he thinks is gross, to keep you happy? Possibly not! You obviously care about this guy because you don't want to hurt his feelings, so by making it clear to him that this is about the "act" itself and not him, he hopefully will get the picture and stop hassling you. If not, then you should consider breaking up with him, so he can find someone else to have anal sex with and you can find someone else who respects your wishes.

If you're anxious that your boyfriend may break up with you if you don't let him get his way, then I would seriously suggest you think about whether you want to be with someone who expects you to do stuff you're not happy with. A relationship is built on honesty and trust and you need to be able to respect each other's wishes, as well as not force the other person into doing something they feel uncomfortable with. A relationship should be equal and fair, not set by only one person's demands, otherwise they get to control the relationship and that is not healthy.

No means no, so he needs to hear that. Otherwise he risks losing you because if you can't trust someone you are in a relationship with, then the reality unfortunately is that the relationship is probably doomed. But don't despair, he may just need to wise up a bit and realise that you are actually serious, and to stop bugging you.

Remember, if you are having sex, use a condom every time to protect you and your partner from STIs and unplanned pregnancy. For more info, have a look at the websites I have given you below. Take care.

Last modified: 31st January 2011
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